I'm Back!

Holy cow. I haven't blogged since June 25th. How awful, my neglect of the blogosphere. I know everyone cares so deeply that I haven't shared my very important thoughts with Blogsville, and its time I stop being selfish by holding them all to myself.

Really, so much has changed. I had an awesome internship at American Top 40 this summer, where I learned so much. It was such an exciting time for me, and I would do it again in a heart beat. But it was also a reality check. I thought I would get some direction about what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go...but nope. I'm still as directionless as before. I do know I probably don't want to live in LA because the traffic is intolerable...oh yeah and I'd miss my family and friends! Other than that though, I'm in this kind of awful but beautiful, I'm lost but I don't want to be found type of state.

So I had a lazy summer, relaxing, doing things I really enjoyed, working with great people, and being near my family and friends. Then my final semester started with a bang. Maybe bang isn't the best way to describe it...maybe it was more like I felt my entire world shake. Not knowing what caused this unease, I have come to know that really those shakes and vibrations are the laughs of the Senior gods who think its hilarious when seniors think they have it all figured out before graduation, only to realize its even more stressful than they could actually ever anticipate.

This stress has been coming in the form of interviews. I think I've had some 15 or 16 interviews. Lucky me right? Especially in this economy? Except all those interviews were preceded by career fairs, info-nights, pre-nights, etc. etc. It is a time-consuming project, this transition into the "real world". Didn't John Mayer say there's no such thing as the real world? I like his attitude...but he obviously isn't trying to get a real job. And then comes the question of what do I even WANT to do? I have no REAL passion for any certain industry or career path. I think sales would be nice. But what do I know? I'm greener than snot, which is a gross concept, I understand, but I think the word snot is funny...if that tells you how ready I am to be in the real world.

As I said, my world has kind of been shaken this semester with a lot of change and a lot of loss and a lot of new, and with that comes so much stress, insecurity, and doubt. Which is why, I guess, I stopped blogging in the first place...when you're so uncertain, you can barely even find the words to put on paper (or in this case the order in which you want your fingers to type the keys that make the words that appear on the screen). But for me blogging is also a kind of therapy, like a diary, but better than a diary, because the entire world can judge you from it. Isn't that the best part? Why, yes, it is! No...not really...but who can't be sympathetic at a time like this? It's not the Senior slide. Its the Senior Spill (all the sanity spills out from your brain through your ears and onto the floor where you slip, hit your head, and end up in a coma). Clever, eh? No, not really I know, but at least you can get a taste of where I'm at here people.

Anyways, as I was saying, with so much uncertainty you'd surely lose yourself. But I determine today that will not be happening to me. I may not be sure of where I'm going, but I know dang sure of who I am, and that will never change. So just to reassure myself, and also enlighten all of my (four- hi mom, hi dad, hi Heather, hi Sara) readers, my first blog back from my hiatus (this one, to be clear), I am going to make a list of all the things that I know about me. I'm not sure how many items it will contain, but this is who I know I am:



1. I love apple cider in the fall (ehem..don't judge...these aren't in any certain order).

2. I love all things fall. I am happiest in fall and I just LOVE everything about it.

3. I am a Pisces, but I don't really believe in horoscopes, unless it is applicable that day.

4. I love all animals and couldn't kill a fly (literally. sometimes they swarm my room but I feel too bad to kill them).

5. I enjoy cooking (and eating and drinking wine) and watching Food Network.

6. I like football because its so comforting to nap while its playing in the background.

7. My favorite thing to buy are great boots (in the fall).

8. I'm a really good friend to my really good friends.

9. I am intelligent.

10. I am compassionate- I think its my best quality but sometimes I use my heart when really I need to use my head.

11. When something changes in my life, I feel the need to rearrange my room or dye my hair, sometimes both depending on the situation.

12. I can be a blabber mouth, which I know I need to work on, because people don't want to trust me when they think I can't keep a secret.

13. I CAN keep a secret when I have the ability to at least talk about it to SOMEONE, because talking is how I heal and cope.

14. When my room gets too messy, I'd rather pay someone to clean it then do it myself because it can be very overwhelming.

15. God is the most important thing in my life and above all else, I'm a Christian.

16. I really enjoy reading.

17. My guilty pleasure is trashy TV like Real Housewives. I just love every season.

18. I love with my entire heart, and I grieve with my entire heart too.

19. I like to challenge myself and put myself in new situations.

20. I am a good commiter. If commiter is a word, I would be one. (at least in matters of the heart. See # 21)

21. In small-scale instances, sometimes I don't keep my commitments. Like deciding to run a half-marathon or sticking to a diet (but I have lost 10 lbs recently so go me!) I know if the matter isn't pressing, I'll get to it eventually.

22. When I am stressed, I just want to take a bubble bath with some candles and listen to Serenity channel on Pandora.

23. I would feel so totally lost without my family and friends.

24. I have lived in a lot of states but Texas feels like home.

25. I'm emotional. I get it from my mom.

26. I sometimes say stupid things without thinking. I get that from my dad.

27. I am creative and witty. I get that from my dad too.

28. I'm graduating in 3 and 1/2 yrs because I'm paying for my own school and I feel like it will be a vacation to only have a job and then a personal life to worry about.

29. I have 3 sisters who are all really insane in different ways.

30. I bite my nails and it annoys me that I can't quit.

31. I love my life when its organized. If I could just STAY organized, I'd feel better about myself.

32. I love going out with my friends, but sometimes I'd rather stay in and watch a movie with them.

33. My ultimate goal in life is to be successful in love.

I think there are some other things that I have not included on this list. But for right now, this is long enough. Maybe I'll continue when I notice something else I do or don't like about myself but this is pretty descriptive so far. I think at the end of the day, no matter how lost or directionless I am, the best thing that I can say is that I know who I am, good and bad, but I am really happy with myself when I look in the mirror (figuratively speaking...on a bad hair day or a fat day, not so much literally).

Well, I can promise not to take myself so seriously in future posts. Normally I don't ponder these big life challenges and question who I am. That is some pretty heavy material, but I guess heavy times call for heavy blogs.

Stay tuned for my out-of-coma revelations.